With Mindfulness practices, we can recognize our bad habits and repetitive harmful friendships or
romantic relationships that are no longer good for us and say goodbye to them. Mindfulness
practices only show us what is in our mind and our pattern without judging or analysing it as good or bad. Once we notice our patterns, it becomes easier to see it as it is and make a different and better choice. This may not be easy at first. Mindfulness practices don’t promise us a rose garden, but it helps us to seed weeds, clean our garden, and plant roses that will bloom over time.
So, how do we change our bad habit, behaviour pattern and relationship that we noticed that is not
good for us? We can do this only by noticing and accepting this habit or pattern as it is, then no
longer following it.
The mind will play thousands of games to bring you back to the old pattern, tell stories in different
disguises to make you believe that your old habit or relationship is the best, make you watch movies, meet people who approve of this habit/pattern or relationship and normalize it. Let’s not forget that this is just hypnosis. I use the metaphor of hypnosis, because while in hypnosis, we lose our control, cannot get out of where we are, cannot move, even if we know something is wrong and need to be fixed. Do these remind you of something while repeating your habit/pattern? But we have enough desire and faith, and we can awaken from this hypnosis.
As I mentioned above, this awakening is possible with three steps by first realizing that this
habit/pattern is not good for us, then accepting it and finally choosing a new way and a new
behaviour this time. What will give you strength on the new path is motivation!
Your motivation might be anything, such as creating your dream life, to be happier, peaceful but this time I want you to add a list of how your old habit is doing you more harm than good as well. You can start making such a list. Whatever this habit is, sit down and write down its harms intimately and in your own words. Then list the things that this pattern makes you feel good too. If we have noticed that the damage is too much, we are close to saying goodbye.
Let’s give a small example. This might be an example of a simple habit for now. Let’s say we cannot
stop consuming sugar, like desserts. Tiramisu is on the table, who doesn’t love tiramisu, says our
mind. We couldn’t stand it and consumed too much. Afterwards, we started regretting, we were
close to regaining the weight we lost, or we can’t lose weight anyway, the feeling of regret took over,
blood sugar rose, it was a food that did not benefit our body. The positive return of this behaviour we do here is only the feeling of pleasure we had with the dessert. This is also extremely short and
deceptive. The negative return is gaining weight, high blood sugar, many negative effects on the
body, an invitation to diseases, lack of self-confidence due to weight gain, self-criticism,
demoralisation and its reflection on the whole life. This reflection can grow like a mountain. It will be enough to remember these negative emotions you feel the next time you want to eat sugar.
In short, if a habit causes more pain than pleasure, it becomes easier to quit that habit. However, it is necessary to remind our minds that the pain is more. How we will do this is through living and feeling the pain. We need to sit with the negative emotions without ignoring them. In this way, we can remember internally how it made us feel bad when the urge to eat sugar again comes. You put your hand on the fire and it burned. Because you remember the burning sensation, you will never touch the fire again. Curiosity doesn’t take precedence over the pain because the pain is more. You’ve had to sit with the pain, without escaping, long enough to remember.
Secondly, since you don’t eat sugar after a while, healthy changes in your body will increase your
motivation. It is also very important to spread and multiply these positive emotions. Once you
understand this mechanism and see its benefits, you can apply it to more complex habits / patterns.
For example, your toxic relationship. Let’s try it here. You live in a relationship where you don’t feel
good, you can’t be yourself, you lose yourself, you are criticized, manipulated, used, devalued, feel
insecure, ignore all of these to be nice or be loved. Having several of these is an indication that you
are in a toxic relationship. This relationship might be a romantic one or with any family member or
friend. The goal is not to blame or judge the other person here. Rest assured he/she is living his/her own illusion and that is the only way he/she knows. However, he/she is responsible from his/her own behaviours. You cannot do anything about it. Let’s not change the subject. What are the positive effects of this relationship on you? It saves you from loneliness, reminds you of one of your parents which makes you feel comfortable, that person is your family member and you feel close, there are some moments when you feel good next to him/her? What are the negative effects? It is obvious that there are many negative effects on your list. You know these negative effects and how bad you feel. Experience the feelings created by these unpleasant feelings, please do not run away. Sit with your pain and sadness, even if it is difficult. Do not normalize the unpleasant feelings. Don’t get strength from people who have had similar relationships. The mind tries to convince itself with the similar experiences to stick with the old habit. This is how it works. Don’t believe the mind that creates different covers. That’s when that sadness and pain will become a warning sign that you shouldn’t be there. If you ignore this sign, the illusion will persist. Emotions want to be seen as your children, regardless of whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. You can listen to these unpleasant feelings and get out of there. You can change this story. Give yourself time and start doing it in small steps. When you get out of the habit/pattern loop, you will feel more relieved. What are we doing this time? We embrace the pleasant emotions that come with refreshment, list and multiply them. When unpleasant feelings such as longing or guilt come, let them pass like clouds. If necessary, continue your journey with a guide or get help. Try mindfulness practices. Meditation practices will help us to replace our bad habits and build new ones. The only time you can make new choices is now, not the past or future which are not exist, use the power of awareness.